Unintentional Intentions [Guest Post]

[Kate speaking here: I'm so excited to be featuring this guest article by Allison - this is one of those articles you won't forget. One that so definitly needs to be said, in todays world of 'casual dating' & 'emotional purity'. Bravo! ]

Guys, I hate to let you in on this secret of the female mind, but let me just tell you: If you spend any amount of substantial time with a girl who you believe to truly just be “a friend”, then it’s already too late. She’s already thought about it, wondered about it, and more than likely spent a good amount of time praying about whether your intentions will go beyond anything other than this friendship you’re in. That’s pretty much just how most of our minds work. And let me tell you, I don’t enjoy it one bit. It’s not fun to hang out with a guy on and off for a while and have relationship thoughts creep up slowly at the back of your head, nudging your doubts on and prolonging the agony. Does he like me? Does he not? Does he really just see me as a friend? WHY is he not seeing that I like him? Maybe he just enjoys being single. Maybe I’m not his type in the slightest. Maybe it’s the color of my hair. Maybe the way I dress...


Pathetic as this may seem guys, a girl will think this at one time or another in her life, like it or not. And since I’m not a guy, I unfortunately can’t add my thoughts about what goes on in their mind when hanging out with a girl and after weeks and weeks, are still utterly content to be simply friends and nothing more. Maybe you agonize over it the way we do, or have doubts or fears. Maybe you really do enjoy being single where you are in life... and probably until most of us ladies get married, the male mind will still remain elusively hard to figure out. There will of course be times when one or both of us will NOT think those thoughts of wondering, but instead wonder if we’re giving off the wrong impression and are making the other person think we’re interested in them, when we’re not. That’s equally hard. What a balance! On one hand, as either a guy or a girl, you can’t be too forward, or too laid back.

Too forward, Allison, really? Yes. I’d wholeheartedly recommend you don’t do this the first time you meet a girl, as it will seriously creep her out:

Girl: Hi, I’m Jessica. What’s your name?
Guy: MynameisBobWowyou’reamazingwillyoumarryme??

Whereas you can go to the far extreme and probably still be single at 40, by your own doing:

Girl: You know Bob, we’ve been friends for the past 15 years and hung out exclusively every single weekend and you’ve never even looked me in the eyes. I’m starting to wonder if I should marry Harry, since he just asked me again for the 11th time.
Guy: Fifteen years? That’s all?


So now you need to assess your perhaps unintentional intentions. You may have no intentions whatsoever to this girl, or quite a few girls you hang out with all the time and seem to be best of buds with, or you may secretly like one of them, and just.... I don’t know... haven’t wanted to ask? Haven’t wanted to ruin a perfectly good friendship? Face rejection? Put forth the money and time it may take to date someone seriously? Because, yes, it can sometimes be expensive. You may get rejected. You may have to not spend as much time with your other girl friends, and that would be sad. Every guy has his reasons, and I commend you for those if they’re honorable. But let me just let you know that you may one day wake up and that girl will have given up all hope of you ever noticing her, or becoming more than friends. One day you may wake up, and find out that you’ve been mistakenly hurting someone’s feelings, or unintentionally showing emotions and certain actions and affections that only someone who is interested in a girl would show. Maybe you’ll wake up and realize you don’t want to be single forever.

Whatever your reasons, I encourage you to stop, sit down, and evaluate every single relationship, deep or not, that you, as a guy, have with each girl you know. Is it honorable? Are you taking their feelings into account? Are you leading them on unintentionally? You may be surprised to find that you are not. And then again... you may find that you are. You can do it! It’ll only benefit you in the long run. Adventure awaits!

[Allison J. Filkins is the author of several articles and the young adult novel, The Amazings. She lives and works in Colorado Springs, CO, and dances, writes, and rock climbs in her spare time.]

Treat Them As Brothers?

Editor's Note:

... Here's the result of a long 'think' and several lectures that I've given some friends - poor souls. I thank them, (and my Mum) for their support - and listening ear!

As we approach the ever ticklish question of girl/guy friendships, I would first like to say that these are only my human and fallible views and experiences - what works for me and my family very well may not work for you and yours. With that understanding I broach this topic.

Over the years I have been very blessed with many friends, both guys and gals - people who have dearly illustrated the principle that "Iron sharpens Iron." Even more specific to what we are discussing, I have many close guy friends - friends of the family that have been so much fun to be around -debating, jamming music and working with.

I would like to suggest that it is possible to have an entirely pure, open relationship with one of the male persuasion. It is also entirely possible to end up in a horrible sticky mess of a relationship. We've all seen that happen, so many times as a matter of fact that some are saying it is an impossibility. This I strongly disagree with - but how to have a true friendly relationship?
The most important advice I could possibly give is not my own, but a quote from C. S Lewis:

"Lovers stand face-to-face, Friends stand side by side"

Girls, there's a mother lode of advice in that statement.

Friends are looking ahead at the same thing. Be it a love of music and playing instruments, writing, religion, debating, singing, tailoring - it's an interest. When we're talking, we're discussing things, not people, not each other, not emotions.

So - we've decided to treat the young men in our life as brothers - but how do we practically go about it?

We define the relationship.

This is fairly self-explanatory, at least in principle. The best advice I can give is to be upfront and keep things as simple as possible. "Boy, it's really nice to have you as a friend - It's always nice to have Christian brothers to talk too." While you may be as committed as anyone to consider all young men as brothers, remember that some guys haven't had the opportunity to have a true sisterly relationship, and so some things needed to be stated upfront. So explaining clearly and early on that you do not view them as anything but a brother makes life easier for all involved.

When you are *not* looking at every young man you meet as a 'potential' it makes life so much easier - that's not to say that you'll never look at a guy as a potential, but that should be our goal. Seeing a guy as a brother - or maybe a cousin - means that you aren't going to be 'sizing him up' all the time, that you aren't going to over-analyze every word he says, that you aren't going to constantly be wondering 'what does he MEAN by that?' not going to be taking all of his teasing as 'serious'.

But it's more then words. It's actions. It's the way you think about him, the way you talk to him - as a loving sister you wouldn't want to hurt him or entangle his heart, would you? No, of course not. And I can truly say that the day I found out two of my closest guy friends were in a relationship, I was overjoyed - to the point of overwhelming people with the news.

From there on up it should be easy, but there's still a few things - even more 'down and at it' points I want to bring up. Remember that, as with anyone, guard the friendship. It's pretty simple -- if I could sum it up in one line:

"Talk about things, not people."

Girls, when we start talking about ourselves, we're just begging for trouble! Guys don't need to hear about how terrible you've felt today, or your emotional makeup - seriously. They don't think the same way as we do, and that is a good thing. Bcause of this, they can get very upset and you can end up entangling them in your emotions without even realizing it.

So, keep things in proper perspective. Just because it is alright to have male company doesn't mean that we should seek it out exclusively, nor does it mean that all guys are alright to spend time with. Just because I have friends who are guys doesn't mean that I talk to them that much - I don't. If I have a question or something specific in mind, but I personally stay away from chit-chat. In my personal experience, it's harder to keep the correct frame of mind when keeping an idle chit-chat going, and I cannot say that is wise. But that's off subject.

So let's be vigilant but not micromanaging - and enjoy our friendships! God brings people into our lives for a reason - let's build each other up.

Soles Deus Gloria!

~Miss Kate

PS: I would really like to hear other's opinions on this subject, as I AM very fallible, and I'm not a guy. :) Or a mother. :) ~KD

Princes and Frogs

After Christmas slump - maybe this will make your day just that much better :)
( I apologize about the spacing issues - can't seem to get that to work! )

~Repost~ Candyland Romance

~reposted to this blog from my own - some of you may remember it from a few months back~

I went out to the woods today, and had another long “think”… 'tis frightening that I think so much, but quite productive, if you ask me. ;)

“Candyland romance”, as I like to term it, has been a topic that has severely lain on my mind for the last couple of months, but never worked itself into words. Now perhaps I can lay it out to you in a way that will make at least as much sense as it does to me.

I’ve grown up in a more-or-less conservative community, and I shall say right now that I am INTENSELY thankful for that fact. Growing up among (seemingly) conservative people was one of the greatest blessings I have had, and it has been very interesting to grown up among such peers. Rather, at one time they were peers, but I have seen a subtle change in these people as the years have progressed… one so slight that it has take n much intense observing to see it, and even more to put it into words.

The first time I noticed this change was around 13 or 14, when we young folks came out of the idea that “guys-gals have cooties” stage and parents began making relationship decisions on courting, dating, dorting, etc, etc…
( I make no comment on any of these options.. I have my own opinion, as well you know, but now is not the time to go into that…) To whit, a lot of us stopped playing “Mother, may I” and things began changing.

For one thing, (at least on the gal’s side of the coin), most of the discussions became totally senseless, long and boring discussions on how “Cay-uuute” so-and-so was, etc… then, people started “pairing up”, and things got interesting.

To break off from the diatribe, I want to point out what (I see) was lacking - a serious mind toward things of serious importance. And, while that is perhaps understandable in a middle-schooler, one would hope that it would pass… but it has not.

To use one of my former best friends as a example… this dear young lady gave me QUITE a account about how wonderful, cute, sweet, adorable, and etc. her boyfriend was, and I, being in a evil mood, began asking questions… (And I think made her fairly mad in the process, which was honestly not my intention.) Anyway, this “most wonderful feller in the world” turns out to be a non-Christian, high school student who’s most interesting attribute was that ( and I nearly quote) ‘he’s not like most guys who are, like, ‘take offas much as you can’, but like, likes that I dress modest.” Oh, and he keeps her on the phone until 3 or 4 in the morning. *makes no comment*

If this was a single example, I would have little to say, because we all make mistakes… but, I see the same thing happening again and again… what is wrong? What are we lacking?

In a sentence: we are viewing marriage and romance as a game to be played, not as a serious, God-ordained relationship.

Things of God are to be taken seriously. Waiting for/finding a future spouse is not a game, it is a life changing event that should be considered as such.

Our culture hates that idea, do they not? Don’t they strive to promote the very opposite?
Now, I don’t want to hear the little “ well, you just have the long-faced and sack-cloth approach to life” remarks… anyone who knows me knows that nothing is further from the case! It’s not that I’m promoting a sad or mournful look on life, it’s that we have gone too far in the opposite direction! And I venture to say that we would actually be happier if we took this approach!

Where am I going with all this? 'Tis a hard question to answer. Perhaps it's best use is as a warning... because I love my peers, and it worries me to see them spend so much time and energy in the "fun" of the moment, only to see the pain it causes them later on, down the road... because of the horrific upward spurt in divorce... But, it's "use" aside, I call you... I beg you... now is the only "now" you will have ! Use this time to become more OF God... not just to tread the line!

~Katharine Davis

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