Unintentional Intentions [Guest Post]

[Kate speaking here: I'm so excited to be featuring this guest article by Allison - this is one of those articles you won't forget. One that so definitly needs to be said, in todays world of 'casual dating' & 'emotional purity'. Bravo! ]

Guys, I hate to let you in on this secret of the female mind, but let me just tell you: If you spend any amount of substantial time with a girl who you believe to truly just be “a friend”, then it’s already too late. She’s already thought about it, wondered about it, and more than likely spent a good amount of time praying about whether your intentions will go beyond anything other than this friendship you’re in. That’s pretty much just how most of our minds work. And let me tell you, I don’t enjoy it one bit. It’s not fun to hang out with a guy on and off for a while and have relationship thoughts creep up slowly at the back of your head, nudging your doubts on and prolonging the agony. Does he like me? Does he not? Does he really just see me as a friend? WHY is he not seeing that I like him? Maybe he just enjoys being single. Maybe I’m not his type in the slightest. Maybe it’s the color of my hair. Maybe the way I dress...


Pathetic as this may seem guys, a girl will think this at one time or another in her life, like it or not. And since I’m not a guy, I unfortunately can’t add my thoughts about what goes on in their mind when hanging out with a girl and after weeks and weeks, are still utterly content to be simply friends and nothing more. Maybe you agonize over it the way we do, or have doubts or fears. Maybe you really do enjoy being single where you are in life... and probably until most of us ladies get married, the male mind will still remain elusively hard to figure out. There will of course be times when one or both of us will NOT think those thoughts of wondering, but instead wonder if we’re giving off the wrong impression and are making the other person think we’re interested in them, when we’re not. That’s equally hard. What a balance! On one hand, as either a guy or a girl, you can’t be too forward, or too laid back.

Too forward, Allison, really? Yes. I’d wholeheartedly recommend you don’t do this the first time you meet a girl, as it will seriously creep her out:

Girl: Hi, I’m Jessica. What’s your name?
Guy: MynameisBobWowyou’reamazingwillyoumarryme??

Whereas you can go to the far extreme and probably still be single at 40, by your own doing:

Girl: You know Bob, we’ve been friends for the past 15 years and hung out exclusively every single weekend and you’ve never even looked me in the eyes. I’m starting to wonder if I should marry Harry, since he just asked me again for the 11th time.
Guy: Fifteen years? That’s all?


So now you need to assess your perhaps unintentional intentions. You may have no intentions whatsoever to this girl, or quite a few girls you hang out with all the time and seem to be best of buds with, or you may secretly like one of them, and just.... I don’t know... haven’t wanted to ask? Haven’t wanted to ruin a perfectly good friendship? Face rejection? Put forth the money and time it may take to date someone seriously? Because, yes, it can sometimes be expensive. You may get rejected. You may have to not spend as much time with your other girl friends, and that would be sad. Every guy has his reasons, and I commend you for those if they’re honorable. But let me just let you know that you may one day wake up and that girl will have given up all hope of you ever noticing her, or becoming more than friends. One day you may wake up, and find out that you’ve been mistakenly hurting someone’s feelings, or unintentionally showing emotions and certain actions and affections that only someone who is interested in a girl would show. Maybe you’ll wake up and realize you don’t want to be single forever.

Whatever your reasons, I encourage you to stop, sit down, and evaluate every single relationship, deep or not, that you, as a guy, have with each girl you know. Is it honorable? Are you taking their feelings into account? Are you leading them on unintentionally? You may be surprised to find that you are not. And then again... you may find that you are. You can do it! It’ll only benefit you in the long run. Adventure awaits!

[Allison J. Filkins is the author of several articles and the young adult novel, The Amazings. She lives and works in Colorado Springs, CO, and dances, writes, and rock climbs in her spare time.]

.On My Mind.

*~*
Actually, just some of what is 'on my mind.' I have a habit of thinking in somewhat random and completely non-related sentence-fragments, which seems to have a bad effect on people. *headdesk* reaction, as a matter of fact.
*Ahem*
Anyway... :smiles:

* ~* Mothers*~*


I have the best mother in the world.
[1983, Mother's senior photo. Isn't she gorgeous?]


I know, I know, you thought it was *your* mother, but it's not, it's mine. So there. :nods:

G.K. Chesterton described what a mother is perfectly -

I have always loved G.K. Chesterton’s words, “To be Queen Elizabeth within a
definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labours, and holidays; to be Whitely
within a certain area, providing toys, boots, cakes and books; to be Aristotle
within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can
imagine how this can exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow
it. How can it be a large career to tell other people about the Rule of Three,
and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be
broad to be the same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone?
No, a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it
is minute.”

Happy Mother's Day, Mama. I Love you.

*~*Multi-tasking?*~*
About a year ago, I ran across this article by Alex and Brett Harris:

"Christians Can't Multitask".

At the time, I was very un-impressed with the idea, but, upon re-visited the article today, I realized that it was not only true, but a needed wake-up call.

"Not afraid of the potential of technology, we need to recognize its dangers and
set up structural helps and limits to keep it in its place. We should love to
use media and technology as tools for God's glory, but even more than that, we
should desire to live wisely. "

Multi-tasking is everywhere, and it's becoming very prevalent in technology. Not only is it a bad idea, but sometimes it's point-blank rude. Ever seen two people at a restaurant, eating together, but both talking on their cellphones? Or how about the person who texts while they're on the phone with you, breaking both your train of thought *and* your eardrum? ;)

This is the result of Multi-tasking. Our parents didn't warn us because it never occured to them it could be an issue. But it's an issue, and I fore-see it becoming mean, bad and ugly as time goes on. Be warned.


*~*Tangled*~*
I watched 'Tangled' last week, for the first time. Even though I'm NOT a Disney fan, I have to say... it was adorable.

Flynn: 'No, no, no, no, no. This is bad, this is very bad. They just can't get my nose right!'

"Her hair glows! I didn't see that coming!"
"Eugene!"
"Her hair glows!!"
"Eugene!!"
..."What?!"
"It doesn't just glow."
*Flynn looks at Pascal*
"Why is he smiling at me?!"

Speaking this movie, some of the young people have choreographed a dance to one of the pieces from 'Tangled"...

...the Kingdom Dance





So. Exciting.

In other news, I've been a terrible blogger, I've been living outside, I have a horrible sunburn from mowing our 3 acre lawn, I'm sick [which is why I'm not attending Church services this morning :( ] and Mummy and I are attending an International Folk Costume Dance this weekend.

*runs out of breath from run-on sentence*

Life is wonderful!

Treat Them As Brothers?

Editor's Note:

... Here's the result of a long 'think' and several lectures that I've given some friends - poor souls. I thank them, (and my Mum) for their support - and listening ear!

As we approach the ever ticklish question of girl/guy friendships, I would first like to say that these are only my human and fallible views and experiences - what works for me and my family very well may not work for you and yours. With that understanding I broach this topic.

Over the years I have been very blessed with many friends, both guys and gals - people who have dearly illustrated the principle that "Iron sharpens Iron." Even more specific to what we are discussing, I have many close guy friends - friends of the family that have been so much fun to be around -debating, jamming music and working with.

I would like to suggest that it is possible to have an entirely pure, open relationship with one of the male persuasion. It is also entirely possible to end up in a horrible sticky mess of a relationship. We've all seen that happen, so many times as a matter of fact that some are saying it is an impossibility. This I strongly disagree with - but how to have a true friendly relationship?
The most important advice I could possibly give is not my own, but a quote from C. S Lewis:

"Lovers stand face-to-face, Friends stand side by side"

Girls, there's a mother lode of advice in that statement.

Friends are looking ahead at the same thing. Be it a love of music and playing instruments, writing, religion, debating, singing, tailoring - it's an interest. When we're talking, we're discussing things, not people, not each other, not emotions.

So - we've decided to treat the young men in our life as brothers - but how do we practically go about it?

We define the relationship.

This is fairly self-explanatory, at least in principle. The best advice I can give is to be upfront and keep things as simple as possible. "Boy, it's really nice to have you as a friend - It's always nice to have Christian brothers to talk too." While you may be as committed as anyone to consider all young men as brothers, remember that some guys haven't had the opportunity to have a true sisterly relationship, and so some things needed to be stated upfront. So explaining clearly and early on that you do not view them as anything but a brother makes life easier for all involved.

When you are *not* looking at every young man you meet as a 'potential' it makes life so much easier - that's not to say that you'll never look at a guy as a potential, but that should be our goal. Seeing a guy as a brother - or maybe a cousin - means that you aren't going to be 'sizing him up' all the time, that you aren't going to over-analyze every word he says, that you aren't going to constantly be wondering 'what does he MEAN by that?' not going to be taking all of his teasing as 'serious'.

But it's more then words. It's actions. It's the way you think about him, the way you talk to him - as a loving sister you wouldn't want to hurt him or entangle his heart, would you? No, of course not. And I can truly say that the day I found out two of my closest guy friends were in a relationship, I was overjoyed - to the point of overwhelming people with the news.

From there on up it should be easy, but there's still a few things - even more 'down and at it' points I want to bring up. Remember that, as with anyone, guard the friendship. It's pretty simple -- if I could sum it up in one line:

"Talk about things, not people."

Girls, when we start talking about ourselves, we're just begging for trouble! Guys don't need to hear about how terrible you've felt today, or your emotional makeup - seriously. They don't think the same way as we do, and that is a good thing. Bcause of this, they can get very upset and you can end up entangling them in your emotions without even realizing it.

So, keep things in proper perspective. Just because it is alright to have male company doesn't mean that we should seek it out exclusively, nor does it mean that all guys are alright to spend time with. Just because I have friends who are guys doesn't mean that I talk to them that much - I don't. If I have a question or something specific in mind, but I personally stay away from chit-chat. In my personal experience, it's harder to keep the correct frame of mind when keeping an idle chit-chat going, and I cannot say that is wise. But that's off subject.

So let's be vigilant but not micromanaging - and enjoy our friendships! God brings people into our lives for a reason - let's build each other up.

Soles Deus Gloria!

~Miss Kate

PS: I would really like to hear other's opinions on this subject, as I AM very fallible, and I'm not a guy. :) Or a mother. :) ~KD

Should Girls Read Boy's Literature...?

Should they? Or is that detrimental to femininity?

Here's a really excellent article on a subject that we've talked over quite a bit around here...
Growing up, I always read 'boys' books. Henty was definitely one of my favorite authors, but so was Stevenson, and on down the list. This used to bother me quite a bit, because I didn't like to be classified as a 'tomboy', but well... I still like to play outside. ;)
Anyhow... here's the article - let me know what you think. It's good to see that two of the most religious and feminine women I know share the same opinion, and I believe there's a lot of wisdom in these lines...

"People often ask us to name the most important books we’ve read — books that
have influenced our thinking the most. Our inclination is to list the books that
educated and informed our already-matured minds (more impressive titles by
well-respected thinkers, theologians and historians).
But the truth is that the books that have likely had the strongest effect on who we have become were
actually the books we read as children...

Finish the Article Here

Blessings!

Of Snakes And Owls...

**Repost**

I must say. I strongly disapprove of snakes as a general rule. Spiders, coyotes, things that make weird, screechy noises at 2 in the morning… that, I can handle. As for snakes, I’m not scared of them, but I don’t want them anywhere near me. As in, never, ever want them near me. Esp. not largish ones.

You may then imagine my distress at finding, right outside our side door, a rather large (five-foot) black snake taking a siesta by the step… and the *ahem* very courageous and fearless uproar I created in order to bring my father on the scene. He does not appreciate my feelings on snakes. Nor does he bother to try:


“What’s wrong?”

“There’s a snake! Can you please remov…”

“Oh, cool! Wow, it’s big! Here, lie down beside of it and see how long it is, it’s gotta be five fee…”

“Dad. It’s going to go into the house. Please, do something with it!”

*insert fierce and ‘manly-man’ laugh* “It’s not going to go in the house! How’s it gonna do that??”

“Um… through that hole into the basement.”

“There’s not a hole into the basement.”

“I’m looking at it.”

Evidently the snake was looking at the hole as well, because… guess what… it promptly slithered into the hole. Into the basement.

“Oh, guess there was a hole there after all!”

Yes, guess there was. And guess who has to go down to the basement two or three times a day and prime the pump. Me. J It’s a good thing I’m not squeamish… I’d be dead!


Then. Then… there was the talking tree. That was most alarming.

I spend a lot of time in the woods… more when I was younger than I do now, but I love being outdoors, and I’ve always needed copious amounts of time to think and be alone. J So, it will not surprise you that I was in the woods when I met up with this most unusual tree.


I was out in the woods, leaning up against a sturdy and robust tree and probably entertaining myself with some story or the other when the tree uttered a sudden and somewhat alarming:

“WHOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEE!”

I tell you I jumped five feet into the air. Maybe more. Trees rarely address such remarks to such as me ! O..0 So I went up and began making loud banging noises around the tree, ( I was telling you the truth when I said I don’t easily get frightened) and the tree remarked:


“Eeaahoo?”


Yes, it was a screech owl. But I tell you… anyone who hasn’t heard one… it is not a easy experience for one who has never experienced it before! Ugh! J (But it’s rather amusing in retrospect…)

And that was your nature lesson for the week. Now it is time for Algebra. Please open your books to page 12…

~Cheers!

Kate

Guest Article ~ Hannah Elizabeth

Before I let you read this article, I want to thank Hannah Elizabeth for allowing me to copy this article over from her blog, "Hannah'sHeartstrings" (http://hannahsheartstrings.blogspot.com/). Hopefully, this will be the first of several guest articles that I'd love to share ~ esp. when I don't have time to write an article myself :D So - thank you Hannah! ::Hugs::
~Kate

Smiling Singles

There’s a common thing that happens to girls in many conservative Christian circles. When they are young, they are taught that girls play with girls, and boys play with boys, and any interaction was merely in passing or in supervised group activities. As they grow older, the division between boys and girls grows, and before they are more than thirteen, they have been taught the proper modesty, attitude and position of a good Christian girl. By the time they are in their teens, they have become perfect models of conservativeness…dressing right, walking right, never making eye contact with boys, and knowing all the “right” things to say. As they head out the teen years, they become virtual politicians on the subject of singleness. They constantly preach amongst themselves the beauties of singleness, search for ways to be more content, and ultimately try to convince themselves that they don’t have any other desires outside of being a perfectly content Christian lady.


But then something happens. They hit twenty, and think “Ah, now I’m ready to get married.” A year goes by. “Okay, where’s my Prince Charming? I’ve been waiting.” Another year. “What? Aren’t there any guys out there looking for wives?” Another year…and another…and another. Soon the girl is nearing thirty, and several of her friends are married. But she has no prospects.


What happened?

Sure, this doesn’t happen all the time. There are many good conservative Christian girls that have gotten married at nineteen or twenty. But there is a large population of them not married and wondering why.

The timeline I just shared with you is the problem.

I’m not saying that teaching young girls modesty and femininity is a bad thing. Nor am I saying that keeping girls and boys separated during those tumultuous teen years is a bad thing. These things are good, in their place. But they can get out of hand. And they can lead to some very frustrated almost-thirty year olds.

I honestly think that the biggest problem here is this simple fact: we’ve forgotten how to smile.

Yeah. Just smile.


I remember a time when I was about nine years old, and the term “shamefacedness” hit our small circle of conservative homeschoolers like a hurricane. The idea was that young girls and ladies should be “shamefaced”, or direct their gaze to the ground, especially around guys. This was designed to keep a girl’s eyes from betraying even the slightest hint of “liking a boy” or “flirting”, but what it also did was take out any chance of just a friendly encounter. I honestly could never get used to the idea.


How many others, I wonder, were taught this idea of shamefacedness? To never make eye contact with a young man? Ever? Sure, this may work for children. But it does not work for mature adults who are ready to take the next step in life and find themselves a spouse.
I began a small, personal experiment in the summer of 2009. I had discovered a beautiful thing called dancing earlier that year, which God used to bring me out of my shyness shell, and make me be much more comfortable around men folk. But during my first dance, I only got asked twice by a guy for a dance, and only one actually singled me out. The next dance I went to I did something different. When a new dance was announced, I looked around the room and tried to meet the gaze of a guy, and then gave my sweetest, “best friend” smile. There was nothing seductive about it. I just wanted to see if a simple smile could make a guy ask me to dance. Guess what…I had a guy partner for almost every single dance. I was ecstatic. I had figured it out. And, oh, how simple it was! I was excited about this revelation, but quickly became careful of whom I shared it with, because I ended up on the wrong end of some gossip because a “friend” misunderstood my meaning of “making eye contact” for “looking romantically into a guy’s eyes”.
Yeah.

I tried it at another dance, and found the same thing. Some guys I even had the courage to go up to them and ask them if they had a partner. It worked. I ended up with a guy partner when a few of my other friends didn’t.

I came to this conclusion.

Guys are shy too. They’ve been taught that girls are sacred creatures and you don’t touch them, talk to them or look at them. Period. This is a whole new ballgame for them too. And they are the ones that have to do all the asking and initiating. Perfectly good, conservative Christian girls are intimidating.

Girls! They need help! If you want the guys to notice you and like you, then start with one simple thing: SMILE.

My friend Michaela and I were recently talking about, if you found yourself liking a guy and thinking he might like you, if it was alright to give him soft, subtle hints or not. My response to her question was, in most cases, no. I thought that a guy should pursue the girl he liked whether she seemed interested or not. But then I asked two of my brothers’ (ages 17 and 19) opinions on the matter, and got the shock of my life. They both said that they would like it if a girl gave hints! They said that they probably wouldn’t give the time of day to a girl that appeared to be standoffish or uninterested. A girl needs to be friendly and engaging, mostly, they said. I then asked my 19-year old brother what he would consider good, appropriate hints. He said he would see good hints as things like wanting to be around the guy, invitations to gatherings and places where they could visit, smiles, and being attentive.

It’s not “flirting” to be friendly. We’ve confused the two. Talking to a guy doesn’t mean you are going to marry him tomorrow. Being friends with a guy doesn’t mean you are suddenly less pure than you were the day before. By smiling, conversing and showing attention, you are showing a guy that you are open and that he is welcome. You are not compromising your integrity, your purity, or you dignity. You are just letting go of some of your pride.

Stephen Arterburn, in his book “Finding Mr. Right (and how to know when you have)”, even goes as far as saying “It’s okay to flirt!” Of course he does not mean the seductive, “advertising-what-ain’t-on-sale” kind of flirting. He goes on to list good and proper ways to “flirt”, including smiling, gesturing in conversation with your palms up, sitting with your knees together, standing with your weight on one leg so that one hip sits ever so slightly higher than the other, tilting your head when listening, and other such simple gestures that communicate openness and welcome.

Don’t be afraid of your smile. Don’t be afraid of your desires. Your dream is to be a wife and a mother, right? Well, there’s one important factor in that equation called a husband. And you know deep in your heart, that is your dream too, but in your quest for contented singleness, you’ve strove to kill that desire. You are female. God created you that way, and put those desires in your heart. He is the author of romance, the one that thought it up in the first place.
Wake up. Smell the roses. Put one in your hair. Be yourself. Smile. Laugh. Engage. Be the woman God created you to be and quit killing your heart.

~Hannah