Sunday, June 19, 2011

Unintentional Intentions [Guest Post]

[Kate speaking here: I'm so excited to be featuring this guest article by Allison - this is one of those articles you won't forget. One that so definitly needs to be said, in todays world of 'casual dating' & 'emotional purity'. Bravo! ]

Guys, I hate to let you in on this secret of the female mind, but let me just tell you: If you spend any amount of substantial time with a girl who you believe to truly just be “a friend”, then it’s already too late. She’s already thought about it, wondered about it, and more than likely spent a good amount of time praying about whether your intentions will go beyond anything other than this friendship you’re in. That’s pretty much just how most of our minds work. And let me tell you, I don’t enjoy it one bit. It’s not fun to hang out with a guy on and off for a while and have relationship thoughts creep up slowly at the back of your head, nudging your doubts on and prolonging the agony. Does he like me? Does he not? Does he really just see me as a friend? WHY is he not seeing that I like him? Maybe he just enjoys being single. Maybe I’m not his type in the slightest. Maybe it’s the color of my hair. Maybe the way I dress...

Pathetic as this may seem guys, a girl will think this at one time or another in her life, like it or not. And since I’m not a guy, I unfortunately can’t add my thoughts about what goes on in their mind when hanging out with a girl and after weeks and weeks, are still utterly content to be simply friends and nothing more. Maybe you agonize over it the way we do, or have doubts or fears. Maybe you really do enjoy being single where you are in life... and probably until most of us ladies get married, the male mind will still remain elusively hard to figure out. There will of course be times when one or both of us will NOT think those thoughts of wondering, but instead wonder if we’re giving off the wrong impression and are making the other person think we’re interested in them, when we’re not. That’s equally hard. What a balance! On one hand, as either a guy or a girl, you can’t be too forward, or too laid back.

Too forward, Allison, really? Yes. I’d wholeheartedly recommend you don’t do this the first time you meet a girl, as it will seriously creep her out:

Girl: Hi, I’m Jessica. What’s your name?
Guy: MynameisBobWowyou’reamazingwillyoumarryme??

Whereas you can go to the far extreme and probably still be single at 40, by your own doing:

Girl: You know Bob, we’ve been friends for the past 15 years and hung out exclusively every single weekend and you’ve never even looked me in the eyes. I’m starting to wonder if I should marry Harry, since he just asked me again for the 11th time.
Guy: Fifteen years? That’s all?

So now you need to assess your perhaps unintentional intentions. You may have no intentions whatsoever to this girl, or quite a few girls you hang out with all the time and seem to be best of buds with, or you may secretly like one of them, and just.... I don’t know... haven’t wanted to ask? Haven’t wanted to ruin a perfectly good friendship? Face rejection? Put forth the money and time it may take to date someone seriously? Because, yes, it can sometimes be expensive. You may get rejected. You may have to not spend as much time with your other girl friends, and that would be sad. Every guy has his reasons, and I commend you for those if they’re honorable. But let me just let you know that you may one day wake up and that girl will have given up all hope of you ever noticing her, or becoming more than friends. One day you may wake up, and find out that you’ve been mistakenly hurting someone’s feelings, or unintentionally showing emotions and certain actions and affections that only someone who is interested in a girl would show. Maybe you’ll wake up and realize you don’t want to be single forever.

Whatever your reasons, I encourage you to stop, sit down, and evaluate every single relationship, deep or not, that you, as a guy, have with each girl you know. Is it honorable? Are you taking their feelings into account? Are you leading them on unintentionally? You may be surprised to find that you are not. And then again... you may find that you are. You can do it! It’ll only benefit you in the long run. Adventure awaits!

[Allison J. Filkins is the author of several articles and the young adult novel, The Amazings. She lives and works in Colorado Springs, CO, and dances, writes, and rock climbs in her spare time.]


Anonymous said...

Wow, Kate, I agree.

Anonymous said...

Hi! I just stumbled across your blog for the first time. This post made me smile, and I definitely think such relationships need to be thought through carefully. I'm curious about your suggestion that guys evaluate each of their relationships with girls. Are you suggesting that they sit down with the girls and ask those questions, or were the reflection questions just to be used for the individual guys' thoughts and prayers? I look forward to your answer.

~Miss Kate~ said...

Hi Amy! Thank you for your comment!
While I'm not sure what Allison's view on this sort of thing is, I thought I'd throw my two-cents in. ;)
I would say that the main point of those questions would be reflection for guys, but there is a secondary point for them, as well. Sometimes it *is* neccesary to define the relationship directly, and, personally, the guys who have sat down and said 'this is how I view you' have made our friendships into some of the most enjoyable friendships I've had. Hopefully that [somewhat] answers your question. ;)

Anonymous said...

Thanks Miss Kate. I agree that guys (and girls!) should reflect carefully on their friendships with members of the opposite sex and the messages they are sending. But I think "defining relationships" can be a lot more hurtful and confusing than we girls expect it to be. So many times I have waited and prayed for clarity in relationships, hoping that a guy friend will let me know that he shares my desire to remain "just friends." In almost all of those situations, the young man has eventually made it known that that was not his intention at all, and our relationships became very confusing and awkward. I am left wondering whether I should have been the one to define those relationships, perhaps several months earlier. I would love to hear your thoughts on young ladies' responsibilities in this area... maybe in a whole new post?